10. Beautiful At Last (Looking Good vs. Feeling Good)
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Overview:
In our society, we are invited to believe that how someone appears on the outside is how they feel on the inside. Pretty on the outside equals pretty feelings on the inside. Appearing confident on the outside means that person must feel confident on the inside. People who look “strong” on the outside must feel strong on the inside. However, how a person appears to you doesn’t necessarily equate to how they actually feel. I beileve that feeling good inside myself, regardless of any external compliments or admiration I may or may not receive, eclipses looking good. Feeling good inside is what I want more of.
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Hey creatives, I’m C. Jordan Blaquera, and welcome to the Whispering Worth to the World Podcast.
I’m a Master-Certified Life and Artist Coach who specializes in working with creatives. This is where I share what I would tell my younger self, if I could, what I’ve learned about the art of being human, about our inherent divine equality, and how it all relates to navigating our creative expression in the world.
Beautiful At Last (Looking Good vs. Feeling Good)
When I first became a coach over a decade ago, a coach I admired and respected and who had worked with me for several months without ever having seen my face eventually had the opportunity to see a video that I created where I was on camera. She was giving me her professional feedback on the video so she made her comments and then she included this at the end of her email -- in parenthesis:
(oh and you are so beautiful)
Now, I have received compliments about my external appearance during my life.
And…truth be told, it was troubling.
The fact was that I didn’t feel beautiful. I didn’t feel beautiful on the inside, and I certainly didn’t feel like I thought “beautiful” people would feel. There was a distinct dissonance between the external compliment, and the way I actually felt in my own skin.
I actually had something that many people and women in particular want: positive attention for my external appearance, and yet…I felt bad about myself -- bad about me on the inside.
So, when someone would express that they thought I was pretty or beautiful or attractive, this is what I would say on the inside:
“You don’t even KNOW me. You may see how I LOOK, but you are not really seeing ME, who I really am on the inside. You haven’t even gotten to know me. I may appear pretty to you, but I don’t FEEL pretty. Maybe I am on the outside – to YOU, to YOUR EYES, through your LENS, but this exterior doesn’t even feel like ME, the real part of me. I can’t even take credit for this quote/unquote “beauty” that you see. I did nothing for it. It’s genetic happenstance, the result of the combination of my particular mother and father. And where it really counts – on the inside – is where I’m lacking. It’s where I don’t FEEL like what I imagine pretty is supposed to feel like. It’s where, in fact, I quite often feel ugly feelings.”
Suffice it to say that I did not feel deserving of anyone’s admiration for my appearance.
But oh, to feel deserving of admiration. How nice that might be.
When I would receive compliments, they were ongoing reminders of the discrepancy between what others thought about my exterior and what I thought and felt within my interior, especially because in this society external beauty is so revered.
In our society, we are invited to believe that how someone appears on the outside is how they feel on the inside. Pretty on the outside equals pretty feelings on the inside. Appearing confident on the outside means that person must feel confident on the inside. People who look “strong” on the outside must feel strong on the inside. If we “admire” a person for how they appear on the outside, they must feel “admirable” on the inside. Or if we desire a person because of their looks, they must feel “desirable” on the inside.
Mmm. Hold up. Not so fast, my friend.
I can tell you categorically from my personal experience that just because you find a person quote/unquote “attractive” on the outside, that does not necessarily equate to them feeling attractive, admirable, likable, or confident on the inside.
In our society, women are conditioned to believe that our main value is in how we look. If we look good, then we’ll feel good. And again, in my personal experience, I know that to be categorically Not. True.
And also, in my experience as a master life coach, artist coach and creativity coach, my clients again and again prove this equation that “looking good equals feeling good” to be completely false. They experience this fallacy in their own lives as well.
You might be a person who is so talented or so smart, so creative, so athletically or artistically gifted. Maybe you received perfect pitch, or a 4-octave vocal range, or the ability to draw what you see relatively effortlessly, or paint gorgeous masterpieces. That talent, skill or gift might be quite impressive to many people you meet. They may shower you with compliments or adulation. But you might know, like I do, that what things look like to other people on the outside quite often does not match what’s happening on the inside of you.
Case in point. Suicide.
When we hear about a suicide or overdose of someone that we thought had it all or was so talented or so rich or so famous or all of the above, it is shocking. It seems inconceivable. I mean, my God, they had everything. It flies in the face of the social conditioning Kool-Aid that convinces us that how someone’s life looks on the outside is how it absolutely must feel on the inside.
Just think of Anthony Bourdain. Kate Spade. Whitney Houston. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Kurt Cobain. River Phoenix. Jimi Hendrix. Janis Joplin. Or Marilyn Monroe.
You can be the most photogenic or iconic woman in the world and be able to make love to the camera, but you could also feel utterly unloved or unlovable. You might give voice to a generation and its angst or its dreams for the future, but you could still feel unspeakable despair. You might entertain a worldwide audience and be adored by the masses or be one of the most quintessentially charismatic performers there is, but loneliness might be killing you inside.
How a person appears to you doesn’t necessarily equate to how they actually feel. And how you appear to others may not equate to how you actually feel inside. Don’t be seduced by society’s Kool-Aid…because, really, when it comes down to it, what is more important? How you look or how you feel?
So, even though I can still fall prey to the siren call of that societal Kool-Aid, in my heart of hearts, deep down, I believe how I feel is more important than how I look.
So, over a period of many years, I began to question all the reasons that I thought I was ugly inside. I began to question all those ugly ideas about myself and what I thought could make me or any person for that matter unworthy.
And slowly but surely those ugly ideas began to unravel and release their hold on me. I began to poke holes in the societal Kool-Aid that says looks are everything. Appearances are the end all, be all.
And while I am still on a continuum and still on the path of releasing more and more of that societal Kool-Aid, I can finally say that I feel beautiful on the inside. Which is where it matters most to me.
I finally feel beautiful feelings on the inside because I believe beautiful things on the inside like this:
I don’t need to worry about being less than others or strive to be better than others because we are all inherently equal.
I am enough. As everyone is.
I was born worthy. As everyone is.
Everyone is doing the best that they can, given the consciousness they have in any given moment.
It feels awesome to me to give others the benefit of the doubt. So I do so often.
Everyone has a right to their own point of view. As do I.
No one is wrong for what they think or feel. Just like me.
When I feel a negative emotion like humiliation, shame or embarrassment, it is not because I am humiliating, shameful or embarrassing. It just means that I am feeling that emotion. My emotions do not define me. Or anyone else for that matter.
I always have a choice in how I respond to what life brings me. So I do my best to make choices that feel good to me, given the consciousness I have in any given moment.
Do you see?
Or rather, do you feel what I’m talking about? Can you feel it? Just a little bit.
Fewer ugly beliefs creating fewer ugly feelings. More beautiful beliefs creating more beautiful feelings; beautiful feelings that create a more beautiful internal experience. And those beliefs have absolutely nothing to do with looks, or appearances, or what the size of my body is, or how well I can sing or act or dance or coach or create -- and everything to do with a truly beautiful internal experience of being alive.
Most people including me, still sometimes, try to look good on the outside in some way via appearance or achievement or some characteristic that can be measured and ranked. We try to look good to other people. And that societal Kool-Aid makes us believe that if we can look good to others, then we can feel good inside.
But looks are so deceiving. Looking good is looking good. Period. That is all. And side note: not everyone agrees on what “looks good” or is “pretty” or “beautiful” or “strong,” “desirable” or “admirable.”
So, looking good to someone else is one thing. But it in no way guarantees that you will feel good on the inside because of it. And there is no guarantee that that feeling (should you feel good) will last in any meaningful way.
Here’s what I believe:
Feeling good inside myself regardless of any external compliments or admiration I may or may not receive eclipses looking good.
Feeling good inside is what I want more of.
Feeling beautiful feelings of sufficiency and equality to all beings is something we can carry with us on the inside as we walk in this world. It can sustain us like no amount of praise or compliments from others can. Yes, life will still bring its ups and downs. But I can choose to create less “ugly” inside of me by directing my own mind.
Feeling self-compassion and compassion for others. Feeling whole. Valuing myself and how I feel. That’s what’s important to me. I have found that feeling connected to others, feeling loving, kind-hearted, and whole-hearted is really what I’m after.
Brené Brown says wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.”
That is internal beauty, and feeling that internal beautiful state is true beauty to me.
May we all feel beautiful at last.
Hey creatives, want to learn more? Go to www.CreateAnyway.Today/about
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